Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Reluctantly Writting

     It's been about a week since I've posted here.  I'm super stressed and I think a little depressed.  Boo Boo Bear's behavior is escalating daily.  I'm questioning my ability right now.  I'm tired and angry that life is so hard right now.
     Boo Boo Bear has been with me for a number of years.  Two years ago his behavior was so extreme that he was going to be temporarily moved to a residential treatment facility if immediate progressed wasn't achieved.  Thankfully, through medications and intensive therapy, we made major progress in a relatively short period of time, which allowed him to stay with me and my daughters.

     Here we are, two years later, and out of the blue, the old Boo Boo Bear returns.  My day begins with an early morning "eff you bit-- get my breakfast" and ends with a "I'm going to effing kill you, you effing bit--".  There are holes in his wall again, the one year old bedroom door is almost broken through to the outside, and my nerves are shot.

     We have skill builders come to the home three times a week and his therapist is here twice a week.  Additionally, I'm in constant phone communication with his therapist, who is in constant communication with his psychiatrist and we aren't getting anywhere.  He can barely handle half days at school, daycare is OUT of the question, I have zero family to lend a hand and I'm feeling really stuck.  I have Bible study group at my home every Thursday and even that is possibly being moved to a more peaceful location.

     I want to cry, but I have fear in letting my emotions get that low.  I'm struggling just to be nice and patient with him, and that's not good.  Boo Boo Bear needs serious help.  I need light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm taking him Monday to a prayer room/healing room. 

Normally I'm positive in my writing, but I'm hanging on by a string right now.

Accepting all prayer...


xoxoxo
Casey

10 comments:

  1. Hang in there! I have SO been there! I promise it WILL get better again. Feel free to PM me (tjzemail@yahoo.com). I am praying for you!

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    1. Thank you for your prayers. At this point, I think that is the only thing that will help us. I know God has a plan and clearly I'm not able to see it right now, but geeeze, this feels unbarable. Boo Boo Bear is also my nephew so moving him to another location, even temporairily is out of the question. I'm the only family able to care for him. Lots of stress. I need to relax. Plus my 40th is tomorrow so I'm additionally unhappy ;-( I feel 60. I guess I just never thought my life would look like this. Thanks again for your words of encouragement.

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  2. Just shot up a prayer for you Casey and Bo Bo Bear - so hard to see them go backward. SO hard to not wonder what we did. Praying. You are not alone.

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    1. Thank you!!! Ya, I wish I had an idea of what is triggering him to revert this way. I'm soooooo frustrated which doesn't help anything. Boo Boo Bear is a foster child, but also my nephew. So, relocating him is out of the question. I'm the only family member able to care for him. There's no easy fix. Normally I don't get this upset, but this behavior just came out of nowhere and I wasn't prepared.

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  3. I'm so sorry! These times of backwards movement are so hard. It's exhausting trying to meet a child's needs when they are so dysregulated that you can't have any peace. Are you able to get any in- or out-of-home mental-health respite? That's been a lifesaver for us.

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    1. Hi, the last time he went on respit he beat the woman, tore her toe nail, broke her cell phone. She needed medical attention. I was dropping my daughter off at camp and wasn't even in town when the call came in that he needed immediate pick up. I'm super nervous about letting him stay anywhere but home. No matter how much I warn people, they really don't believe he's capable of much. Until it's to late of course. I'm working on trying a new agency, but so far there's no respit provider that can meet his needs. He gets wrap around services, but they don't seem to understand I need help. I'm calling an emergency meeting for next week. I'm just on burn out. Thanks for messaging me. No one in my life understands what I'm feeling and they always say things like poor Boo Boo Bear, and I'm thinking what about me???!!! I guess I need a place to vent where I'm not judged.

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  4. I am praying for you right now. Peace, despite circumstances. Strength - when you can't find any. Love - a supernatural love for Boo Boo Bear that only comes from God. Arm holders - those who can life you up and be the hands and feet of Christ when you have nothing left to give. I wish I lived closer to help you out in some way.

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  5. I can have a glass of wine waiting and a movie downstairs for the kids when ever you need a break. :)

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  6. Thank you for your prayer and words of encouragement. It's so hard to be worn down in this way and to feel unable to make change where there desperately needs to be change. I do belive this is a spiritual war being fought. I somehow let my guard down in the past few days, and I feel drained. I got a text this morning from his therapist that she is recomending a day treatment facillity. I'm relieved and extremely worried at the same time. I've heard not good stories about those places. But, things are deteriorating so rapidly, it may be appropriate. God knows His plan and I have to trust Him completely.

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  7. Yes it is a spiritual war. My guy will be starting a day treatment facility this fall. I am terrified, but I know that at the very least, I need it...even if it isn't for him now. I feel so guilty when I think of myself, but it is SO important that we take care of ourselves as much as possible. Otherwise we have nothing left to give. I have had our therapists and everyone not believe how horrible home life can be sometimes. I don't think they ever truly understand what it is like to live with this level of stress. Hang in there.

    I had to call the police on day to come get my guy. I was done. I was terrified as well, because I was afraid he would go to RTF and I would lose him completely. It broke my heart. But, in the end, things worked out. He came home with me and was much more reserved because he realized suddenly how close he was to losing his new family forever.

    Hugs and prayers....

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